While on a recent trip to Peru, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel raised some eyebrows when he identified climate change as the largest threat to US national security. He dismissed Ebola, ISIS, and the tensions in Ukraine as “small potatoes” compared to the impending disaster that is climate change. Al Gore, Tom Steyer, and Leonardo DiCaprio, all of whom flew in on separate private jets, were in attendance and gave an exuberant round of applause upon Hagel’s declaration on climate change. Hagel went on to point out how cute polar bears were, and identified anyone who did not agree that climate change was the biggest threat was simply “a polar bear murderer.”
After the speech, Gore and DiCaprio each left in their individual motorcades, while Steyer was seen handing the Defense Secretary a large bag with a dollar sign on it. Spox for both men discounted the exchange, calling it a “tradition” and stated the bag was simply “a token of Steyer’s appreciation” for speaking out against climate change. When asked what was actually in the bag, Steyer’s spokesman stated “Ice, to help save the polar bears.”
Muhammad al-Muhammad Ali Babba Smith, a spokesman for The Islamic State released a statement after Hagel’s speech, agreeing whole-heartedly that “Climate change is definitely a bigger threat to the US than we are,” and went on to recommend that the United States immediately put all of their military force and might into saving the polar ice caps by stationing all of our military personnel at either pole. Ali Babba Smith also suggested that the United States immediately forgo all airline screenings and passport checks in an effort free up those workers to focus on “green energy.”
Experts at the Wyoming Institute of Technology confirm that President Obama is said to be taking the recommendations seriously and will make a final decision at some point after the November elections. Obama is also said to have drawn a “red line” on either coast and will consider airstrikes if either the Atlantic or Pacific happens to cross that line.
In response to Hagel’s speech, House Republicans released a statement calling Hagel’s comments “unsubstantiated and idiotic” and called the whole speech “an attempt by the left to rally their base” for November. The statement went on to say “Climate change is a natural occurrence that has been going on for millions of years, what would Obama have done if he were alive during the last shift in climate? Ask the dinosaurs to stop farting?” The White House has yet to respond.
Whether it’s figurative or literal, climate change has many people hot under the collar. The Obama administration is certainly making it a point to identify climate change as its prime target going forward. While the economy lags, the rest of the world burns around us, and disease seems to be spreading rampantly; it’s nice to know that our leadership is really looking out for us long term. After all, who would want to live in a world without polar bears?